Big Screen: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

April 7th 2016

Batman v Superman 3

Quantum of Solace and Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole had a pretty good run, but today we welcome a new contender for the worst title of a movie in history – Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is about these two miserable fucks who spend a whole movie brooding and moping around, while this one hateful arsehole manipulates them into fighting each other. Then they become instant buds because (???) just in time to fight a huge… alien-monster-zombie thing. I still have no idea what it is or what it can do or why it exists.

This is a two and half hour movie, and they couldn’t find two minutes to explain what the thing everybody was punching in the end was.

Either the script for this was not finished or they accidentally shot a five hour movie and just cut out every second scene, because Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice does not make one bit of sense. Lex Luthor is the bad guy – and if you can tell me what his plan is and why he put it in place based on evidence found in this movie, then you have taken many drugs.

Fortunately, Jessie Eisenberg is playing Luthor. While his performance has been unanimously considered an abomination by every critic around, I disagree. I mean, it’s not good. He plays Luthor as this twitchy, weedy jerk. His performance was erratic and unmodulated, and I honestly don’t know what he was going for. But every second he was on the screen I was not bored. Unlike, say, when Superman was on screen.

Batman v Superman 1

When he is rescuing people from certain death, Henry Cavill’s Superman has the same look on his face that I do when I’ve waited a long time in a line to return a defective product or expired food. I’m bored, angry and disappointed. I hate this Superman. He makes being an indestructible symbol of hope and joy look like about as good a job as being a garbo on a rainy day. Cheer the fuck up, Superman! It’s the Dawn Of Justice!

Ben Affleck is actually pretty good as Batman. This is a guy with serious chin – essential for Batman-ing. He is well equipped for the role. Wonder Woman is in this movie for all of ten minutes but she’s actually pretty cool, and the only one who looks like she is having any fun.

This movie is, honestly, a disaster. I hate a lot of the choices they have made about these characters, but they are big, bold choices and I respect the right of director Zach Snyder to tell whatever story he wanted to tell, however he wanted to tell it. This is despite the fact that I am pretty sure he hates Superman, and is deeply suspicious of selflessness and sacrifice. It’s probably not a good idea to get a guy to direct a movie where the hero represents things he hates – it would be kind of like getting Michael Moore to make a Dirty Harry movie or something. It’s going to feel a bit confused.

But that’s not what’s wrong with the movie. What is wrong is that it makes no sense, it’s relentlessly dour, it’s edited with the urgency of a cricket test match, and seriously it makes no fucking sense! A character takes a bath with a corpse in a spaceship and it creates a giant monster, and the movie doesn’t explain how that would happen or why the character would want it to… it’s a bad, bad, bad movie! Don’t watch it.

 

Sam Clark

 

Contributor

Sam Clark is FBi’s answer to Margaret & David. Check out his Big Screen reviews.

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