Hi. I’ve been away for a little while, dealing with crazy life shit like getting a real job and moving house. It was hard and I did not enjoy it. Then I got an ear infection and I couldn’t watch Hail, Caesar!  It hurt so bad and made me fall over all the time. Ear infections are shit. But now I’m back, and I’m not bumping into things or tipping over when I turn corners too sharply (fodder for the upcoming film, Sam Has Fallen).

What eventually lured me back to the movies? The sweet, sweet return of Gerard Butler’s agent Mike Banning in London Has Fallen…

Like many of you, when I considered watching this movie I thought to myself, “Did I watch Olympus Has Fallen?” And like none of you, I imagine, it turns out I had. I thought about it for a while and just as I convinced myself that I hadn’t, a haunting image returned to me of Academy Award winner Melissa Leo playing the Secretary of Something-or-other, screaming the Pledge of Allegiance like a total madwoman while getting punched in the face by North Koreans. All at once it came flooding back to me, the Nintendo 64 special effects, the uniquely talentless leading man and the copious amounts of people being stabbed in the head. I did watch that fucking movie! I’m going to watch the sequel! So I did…

Gerard Butler has never, ever made a good movie. That’s incredible. He’s made shitloads and they have all sucked. Who keeps hiring this idiot? The closest he has come is 300, a strange piece of ultra violent fascism notable for starring David Wenham as a Greek muscleman. I do sort of enjoy that one, mostly because of this guy:

That’s a cool costume. Imagine what the actor thought when he first saw it…

Anyway! London Has Fallen is a sombre meditation on terrorism, the morality of drone warfare, eye-for-an-eye foreign policy and the politics of hate. The premise is that the British Prime Minister carks it, so all the world leaders come to London for his funeral, only to be set on fire and blown to bits. The German Chancellor is even butchered by those Buckingham Palace guards in funny hats. This is bad.

Fortunately, Gerard is on the case, protecting President… Uh… I forget the President’s name. Morgan Freeman, Melissa Leo, Robert Forster and Jackie Earl Haley are also in this, which made me a bit excited during the opening credits. But it turns out they spend the whole movie in a room looking at a screen. Angela Bassett is in it too, but a helicopter impales her pretty quickly. I was bummed about that.

This movie also sees Gerard Butler tells one terrorist to “Go back to Fuckheadistan”. I thought that was a bit rich coming from a guy named Gerard who mostly stars in Jennifer Aniston movies.

All in all, this is a hateful, dumb movie full of boorish idiots, toxic politics and worst of all, bad action. I didn’t like it, but I probably won’t remember that the next time something has fallen and I’ll be sucked right back in.

– Sam Clark