ASK MAX :: When Punctuation Attacks!

May 28th 2013


Dear Max,


I have a problem with punctuation! As you can see I have a thing for exclamation points! It’s getting to the point where no-one can fully comprehend exactly how excited I am! About everything!

What really worries me is that I’m starting to think exclamation points are a gateway punctuation!

What do you think????


[{(Yours truly)}],




In this life, there are some problems you can deal with on your own: This is not one of those Problems} You did the right thing coming to me?

Punctuation sure is hard.

It’s one of those fundamental skills that really traverses every tiny little isosceles triangle you can fit inside the much larger isosceles triangle that is the food pyramid of life (dairy, meat, cheese, skateboarding, Snoop Lion 2.0, the movie Miss Congeniality). Unless you so happen to possess the sheer grit and determination required to harness it to full effect in day to day life, it’s highly likely you are going to fALL on some hard #tims.

In #tims like these, it’s important to remember that you are not alon3/ Plenty of people the world over suffer from a punctuation affliction, including some of ur fave celebs in town! In fact, celebs in town like Taylor Swift, Kanye West and even Bono are all medically unfit to use punctuation, as evidenced by their many Grammy awards.

Ah, the Grammys. For people who suck at grammar.


It’s only the world’s biggest display of hard-up solidarity between ur fave celebs in town fighting the good fight for the best cause, once a year every year annually. Ever heard of it?


If you don’t already have a Grammy award, I’d advise you get your hands on one quick smart. Not only is it a good way to measure your sense of self-worth against other struggling artists people who struggle with being punctual, your Grammy award can also be used as a reliable weapon to protect against the impending invasion of insurgent reptilian molepeople. They are coming. Strike at any time. Half mole half people. Stay away from open bodies of water.

Artist’s impression of an insurgent reptilian molepeople. Artist: Max Quinn

NOTE: Insurgent reptilian molepeople not to be confused with Water Rats, 1997 Channel 9 television police drama much scarier MUCH SCARIER.


The good news for you is that if a band like Bon Iver can win a Grammy for a record that was as dross and boring as Bon Iver*, you should be able to pick one up simply by channelling your dross and boring personality into your creative lyf. Harness the energy you currently put into overemphasising the most dull and mundane facets of your everyday life, and use it to create something almost as dull and mundane as your everyday life.

With a Grammy by your side, the world will be at your mercy.

In the same way that having a mobility parking permit entitles you to do sick wheelies and run over cats because that’s my understanding of the Australian legal system, you will be able to do sick wheelies and run over cats in all facets of your dull and mundane life. Congratulations!!!!!

You can do it Ben. I believe in you in the same way that I believe in the legal merit and legitimacy of a citizen’s arrest. Don’t make me citizen’s arrest you Ben, BECAUSE I WILL BEN.

I will.


I Will,



* Ed’s note: Bon Iver’s Bon Iver remains to be one of the most beautiful releases ever to make it’s way out of a cabin in the woods and into your ears. And nobody at this radio station is at all biased. Ever.



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**All advice is general advice only – in fact, we suggest you do the exact opposite of anything Max advises you to do. Your anonymity is safe, but we can’t guarantee much else… Good luck.


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