Dear Max,

My name is Pat, and I am in so much trouble. I recently completed my RSA online in pursuit of bar work. While I had fun and learned a lot, I have encountered a problem. The certificate I was issued belongs to a fella called Patq. Under law, Patq is considered fully fit to pour you a beer – but regular old Pat is not.

I am not looking for sympathy. I understand that after 22 years of life, I should be capable of producing three letters to spell my own name – and I take full responsibility for the incident.

How can I deal with this problem? Help me Max, you’re my only hope.

– Patq

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Dear Patq,

In this lifeq, there are some problems you can solve on your ownq. Thisq is not one of those problemsq. You did the rightq thing coming to meq.

Firstly, I believe congratulations are in order. For most people, the successful theft of another’s identity is a complicated (and erotic!) process that often requires a great deal of cunning trickery and painstaking forethought. You, on the other hand, appear to have given this process no thought whatsoever, and in doing so have discovered a highly practical way to cut out the middleman entirely – by picking the pocket of the one person who least expects it. I know. It’s confusingq. Let me break it down.

You have stolen your own identity. There aren’t two ways around it (unless you have a twin in which case holy fuck you may have torn a hole in the fabric of space and time itself, GEE THANKS PATQ). Sure, it sounds arousing, but the truth is that you have committed a serious felony, and this means it is now your responsibility to bring yourself to swift (and erotic!) justice using any means necessary.

Your first port of call should be to notify the appropriate authorities. It’s easyq. All you need to do is dial 000 – this is an emergency, after all – and explain your situation using as much descriptive language as you can. The people on the other end of the phone line are dutifully bound to listen to you gripe and ask questions in response, so make sure you take full advantage of this free service. Be sure to also report yourself missing to the police and touch base with your mum as well: she’s going to be pretty upset so it’s important you do all you can to be there for her during this rough time.

Next, you’re going to want to get in touch with your current affairs broadcaster of choice. Mine? Mike Munro. Reowwwq.

 MIKE MUNRO: Current Affairs broadcaster, father of two beautiful cats, inspiration for Death Cab song ‘I Will Follow You Into The Dark’.

It’s a time-tested fact that scumbag con artists such as yourself are the lifeblood of the current affairs industry, and if you really want to restore your good name, you’d be well served to expose yourself on national television. It’s a great idea – just ask Axl Whitehead. Essentially, you are to current affairs broadcasters what Barium Rutherfordite is to the Periodic Table of Elements: BARF – so be prepared for Tracy Grimface to spew her toxic bile all over you in the coming weeks.

If NONE of this works out, then it might be time to embrace the fact that you are now called Patq and will be until the next time you are required to fill out another procedural form. But you shouldn’t be sad to say goodbye to Pat – you should see it as an opportunity to re-emerge from your own birth canal: fully grown, covered in mucus, and ready to take on even the most deceptive of three-letter words with the concentration and diligence you could never have mustered in the past.

There are other benefits too. Being a new person means you can also completely overhaul your personality – while Pat was allergic to cactus, Patq is allergic to something way cooler – killer bees. While Pat struggled with age-onset diabetes for much of his adult life, Patq views low blood sugar as a convenient way to get deliciously high for free. While Pat was merely a constant distraction to friends and family, Patq is the best at causing EXTREME DISTRACTIONS for all. The list goes on. Or does it?

It doesn’t.

Be the best Patq you can be,

Max.

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*All advice is general advice only – any teary outbursts, broken relationships and/or personal injuries are in no way the responsibility of Max or FBi. Your anonymity is safe, but we can’t guarantee much else… Good luck.

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