Dear Max,

Recently my partner Mike went out for a coffee and came home a minority shareholder in a prominent Hong Kong parking complex. We don’t own a car. I thought I had trained him pretty well, but this thoughtless splurge purchase has me questioning the whole relationship. Can you save us?

Anon.

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Anon,

There are some problems you can handle on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.

Firstly, I would like to clarify a few details for your own benefit. Reading between the lines, it’s apparent that when Mike says he’s going out for a “coffee”, it’s more than likely he’s participating in a DIFFERENT ACTIVITY. It’s difficult to narrow down where he might be to just one locale, so here are a couple of options for you to investigate:

1. Republican/National Convention

Held once every four years in the United States of America, the Republican/National Convention is like this big barbeque where all of the sickest bros from your high school get together for one fun-filled weekend of corporate cuddles, shooting the shit, and shooting shit. Plus you get to bliss out to sweet jamz by Kid Rock and 3 Doors Down and their collaborative supergroup Marvin’s Gay. Everyone’s a winner!

2. Saddle Club, The

I have been waiting for the longest time to say that Veronica is a bitch on the Internet – so here goes: VERONICA IS A BITCH ON THE INTERNET. Watch out or she’ll steal your man just like she did to Stevie and then push you off a horse and then a snake will come and you’d better hope Carole and Lisa will be there to save the day otherwise YOU’RE DEAD. I would think that to be a member of the Saddle Club, Mike would probably need to own a horse … but then again maybe he just bought a stable in Hong Kong too?

3. Southern Cross University Lismore Campus Fire Twirling Association

The most popular social club at the most popular university for people genetically predisposed to doing weird shit like buying parking lots or coming up with really precarious ways to try not to get set on fire. They meet Tuesdays and Thursdays outside Student Services in the Plaza. How do I know this? That’s my alma mater, baby.

Is this Mike??

Now, if you’ve double-checked, and you’re totally sure Mike isn’t secretly sick with the (fire)sticks, you can afford to relax a bit. He’s probably just going through a pretty severe case of menopause, which is something that occasionally happens to men of his presumable age and penis girth. According to the Internet, menopause literally means “the end of monthly cycles”, which is why so many men end up purchasing automobiles during this time – it’s simply too unsafe to keep taking out the pushbike every 4 weeks.

All of this means that the onus is now on you to teach him the error of his ways, and I’d encourage you to have fun with it. Off the top of my head, you could go out and purchase Mike a HAM Radio, a Wang Calculator (NB: hahahahaha wang calculator) or an iPhone 4S – all of which are completely outdated pieces of technology and serve practically no purpose at all in today’s society. Watch on as he confusedly struggles to work out what the fuck he is supposed to do with a piece of shit smartphone with a broken top button yes I am looking at you Optus telecommunications company how is this not covered by my insurance?

Hopefully, the message will ring loud and clear. If not, at least you’ve got a great new place to store your Wang Calculator (NB: hahahahahaha wang calculator).

Love each other,

Max.

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