ASK MAX :: Redhead Rage

February 19th 2013

FBi Radio

Dear Max,

I am a babelicious redheaded girl. My locks are luscious. They turn heads. Old men stare at me at bus stops. My shameful secret, however, is that I am not a natural redhead.

The attention my Little Mermaid-esque mane gets me is a source of huge irritation to my guy friend who is naturally redheaded. He believes I am a fraud because normally red headed guys endure life-long teasing, while red hair on girls does not seem to be a social or sexual hindrance.

My friendship is ON THE LINE. How do I continue to enjoy the benefits of my heavenly hair without triggering WWIII?

M

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In this life, there are many problems you can deal with on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.

The best thing for you to do in this situation is to even the score with your friend by engaging in emotional blackmail. Sure, you might have insulted your bro with your fake red hair, but does he even CARE that you were involved in a potentially fatal computer crash last week?

READ THIS NOW: Before you can blackmail your bro, it is critically important that you have a comprehensive understanding of redheaded culture since the dawn of time, 1967. For example, did you know that all natural redheads are related? You do now. Lucky for you, I have summarised all of the information you need about the redheaded race into one succinct (and scandalous!) family tree. Bon Appetit!

L. RON HUBBARD
(1911 – 1986)

STRENGTHS

– Knows several impressive facts about crabs.

– First person to ever say “that’s what she said.”

– Gazing wistfully into the distance (PROOF).

WEAKNESSES

– Neglected during childhood – Old Mother Hubbard couldn’t even get her poor doggy a bone, let alone raise a human boy.

– Won’t accept my friend request on LinkedIn.

– Red hair.

JULIA GILLARD
(1937 – 2004)

STRENGTHS

– Owns her own car.

– Good at foraging for nuts and berries.

– Is not Tony Abbott.

WEAKNESSES

– Has been stuck on The Water Temple in Zelda for fifteen years.

– Refuses to carbon copy on e-mails for some reason.

– Red hair.

CHARIZARD
(1955 – has discovered elixir of life)

STRENGTHS

– Fire spin.

WEAKNESSES

– Water / Fighting (even though he’s a fucking DRAGON who can FLY. Get your SHIT together Satoshi Tajiri that is COMPLETELY unrealistic).

– Worst blowjob I have EVER had.

As the above clearly demonstrates, natural redheads are a proud and disgusting people who have long suffered at the hands of bullies like the National Party, all non-Scientologic religions, and, most inexcusably, Psyduck. Therefore, if you truly want to even the score with your friend, you only have one option: SPIT BROTHERS.

This is where two consenting adults agree to lubricate the palm of their most hairless hand with saliva, and then slap those hands together in a sexually ambiguous celebration of kinship. Be warned that in most Australian states, Spit Brothers is actually a viable domestic institution under law, so have a think about whether you really want to include a ginger in your living will before you proceed.

(Coincidentally, Spit Brothers is also the name of a top-flight vegan cookbook written by yours truly – it’s available to download for free as an .MP (Microsoft Paint) file on my Yumblr page.)

Or you could just bang him,

Max

ANY QUESTIONS FOR MAX?

Email your burning questions, secret crushes and deepest conundrums to askmax@fbiradio.com.

*All advice is general advice only – any teary outbursts, broken relationships and/or personal injuries are in no way the responsibility of Max or FBi. Your anonymity is safe, but we can’t guarantee much else… Good luck.