Dear Max,

I was at a party on the weekend and my phone died. I was with one of my friends from high school, and I wanted to show him a photo from my Instagram account. He doesn’t use Instagram, so we downloaded the app to his phone and logged in under my account. I thought nothing of it.

Over the last few days, new images have been popping up on my Instagram account. They’re pictures of plants, mostly, with captions like, #howsickareflowers. I have not taken these photos and I’m pretty confident my friend is intentionally taking bad pictures and uploading them to my Instagram to ruin my online credibility. I’m really not sure what to do about this.

Can you help me get revenge?

Jaz.

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Dear Jaz,

In this life, there are some problems you can solve on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.

Firstly, let’s give your pal some credit. This is an excellent prank.

IMVCO,N (In My VERY Correct Opinion, Nerds), your friend has definitely hit on a prank that’s definitely up there with some of the best pranks of all time. This is a prestigious list that includes such showstoppers as all Disney Channel Original Movies except The Lizzie McGuire Movie (not that good, except when, *SPOLIERS* Lizzie and Gordo heaps make out at the end), The King of Limbs by Radiohead (not that good; Thom Yorke stopped writing hummable melodies in 2001) and Australian politics circa 2013 (not that good; would prefer to listen to The King of Limbs by Radiohead than watch Tony and Julia on Q & A [but only just{bracket}]).

Watch out – it seems to me that you’re dealing with someone who is more than capable of causing you a great deal of personal shame as well as, also, lots of humiliation and personal heartbreak. So watch out. If you’re going to retaliate, which I think you should, it’s necessary to proceed with the necessary amount of caution. Buy some rubber gloves and PLEASE sake, stay away from bees. How many times do I have to tell you about bees – THEY ARE ORGANISED AND STINGY.

Given that your mate has obviously gotten your goat, what you’re going to want to do is return serve by GETTING HIM A GOAT RIGHT BACK.

“Baaaaaaa”, said the goat, when questioned about the state of Australian politics in relation to Radiohead’s lacklustre eighth album ‘The King of Limbs’, “Baaaaa” end quote.

Sure, it might seem like a nice thoughtful present at first, but what your buddy doesn’t know is that goats are loud and expensive to look after and also probably quite stupid. Fact. Worst case scenario, your friend neglects the goat into a goat coma and then you call the RSPCA-problem-solved-no-questions-asked.

With this said, goats are pretty hard to catch in the wild, even with the right kinds of Pokeball. So if you’re having difficulty, your options are either to spend heaps of time training on the road to Veridian City or to engage in this much more practical solution:

KILL HIM (on Facebook).

This is a really easy one that you can try at home from the luxury of your own home. All you need to do is jump on to your own personal Facebook account and fill out a Memorialisation Request for your mate.

Essentially, you’re pretending that he’s heaps dead and you’re real sad about it so that Facebook deactivates his internet life, ensuring that he has to jump through a series of lengthy bureaucratic hoops before he can resume posting funny pictures of his silly goat like the rest of us.

You technically do have to fake an obituary and stuff in order to do this, but studious readers of this column should know that this poses no problem to the determined. Are you feeling detemined, Jaz? I hope so, because this is morally objectionable and also immoral to say the very least about this topic.

For legal reasons probably don’t do this,

Max.

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