Dear Max, 

Is it okay for me to go to a nightclub in order to impress a girl I’m seeing even if I would never go there under any other circumstance?

Tom

——————————

Dear Tom,

In this life, there are some problems you can solve on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.

No.

No no no no no no no yes (this is a trick answer) no. No it is absolutely not okay that you go to a nightclub ever again in your entire life. Do I sound like your mum? Good. Stop masturbating into your socks, we all know you do it and also what happens when you start doing your own laundry, God forbid?

Nightclubs are quite simply the scourge of humanity and it would be morally reprehensible for you to go to one even to impress one of the 3 most beautiful womans in the world.

Most beautiful womans in the world as voted by Ask Max writers: Amanda Bynes, Bambi’s Mother & Chris Farley.

Think about the exact kind of place where men who are bigger than you, have better lateral agility than you and probably also attack moves, go to grind aggressively to aggressive techno with women who are also bigger than you, with better lateral agility and probably attack moves.

Are you thinking about a nightclub? CORRECT!

(NB: If you were not thinking about a Nightclub but were instead thinking about my grandma’s house in Port Macquarie you are still technically correct award yourself a terminating pass grade hahaha your GPA is fucked). 

My next point that I am currently making is that assuming you – like all readers and writers of this column – are a skinny, twenty-two year old whiteboy with a disproportionate amount of arm hair for his body type and a favourite font, it’s a safe bet that you are going to have a bad time at the club. It’s going to be just as loud and uncomfortable as the last time you had sex and there will probably be an equal amount of semen only this time it won’t all belong to you. GROSS.

As a rule of thumb, here is a good to fairly good flow-chart to help you learn whether or not you are genetically predisposed to enjoy a club lifestyle.

Now that we have this matter cleared up, let’s turn our attention to the girl. It’s critically important that you don’t give her any more chances, Tom. YOU are worth more than that ain’t-let-nobody-tell-you-otherwise fingersnaps. Presumably, you abide by the three-strikes rule of dating, and obviously your fair maiden has already chalked up one giant strike in the club. If you are insistent on dating this girl, please PLEASE ask yourself the following questions to ensure she doesn’t strike out against your lofty standards:

1. Is she enrolled to vote in the upcoming federal election? (Strike)

2. Has she ever, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Jesuit Church? (Strike)

3. Does she ever physically strike you? (Strike)

4. Would she ever consult a shitty radio advice columnist about problems in her dating life when it’s abundantly evident anyway that she’s completely self-destructive and just fishing for a reason not to see her potential date again, jesus fuck give a man a chance? (BIG strike)

Think about that last one, Tom. I’m making a point TO YOU about YOUR LIFE in a VERY COY manner. They should called me Wiley Coy-ote.

It’s a pun on Wylie Coyote the famous TV villain,

Wiley Coy-ote (AKA Max)

ANY QUESTIONS FOR MAX?

Email your burning questions, secret crushes and deepest conundrums to askmax@fbiradio.com or ask him on Twitter @maxquinn

**All advice is general advice only – in fact, we suggest you do the exact opposite of anything Max advises you to do. Your anonymity is safe, but we can’t guarantee much else… Good luck.

Read previous editions of Ask Max