ASK MAX :: Hipster Mathematiques
July 9th 2013
There’s this guy. We’re kind of seeing each other. I don’t know. I like him a lot, and we have heaps in common … but I’m pretty sure he’s a hipster. I don’t date hipsters. He knows this.
To be honest, I wasn’t even suspicious until I met his friends – bearded, literature-loving, rollie-smoking hipsters if I ever saw them – which makes me wonder if he’s hiding his hipster-ness from me.
My question is: how can I tell for sure if my prospective partner is a hipster – and what should I do if my suspicions are correct?
In this life, there are some problems you can solve on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.
Firstly, we need to address this first, because it’s important you start here before you start anywhere else:
Hipster culture is bullshit and I am concerned for your welfare.
I’m glad you seem to be on board with this. Unlike previous movements in alternative culture – punk and emo music, ugly people, people who butter both slices of bread on their sandwiches (?!?!?!?!) – that banded together and owned what made them different from everybody else as a group of people, hipster culture does not do that thing I just mentioned. AT ALL.
Hipsterhood is predicated on the kind of competitive exclusivity that ruins the whole notion of alternativism. Instead of putting up an umbrella over society’s horribly disfigured and disgusting rejects, hipster culture takes that same umbrella and uses it to sodomise you.
What do you mean you read Kerouac and thought it was only okay?
My opinion of you has changed drastically.
How dare you enjoy something from the mainstream in a non-ironic fashion?
That’s so Raven.
So what if these are bullshit hipster aphorisms that exist in a vacuum of our own creation?
IT’S A VINTAGE VACUUM.
Still unclear? Let’s look at it this way:
… I know how much you hate maths.
Bottom line, Sammie? If you’re thinking about getting involved with a hipster, you’d be equally well served driving to Big W, purchasing an umbrella and using it to forcibly examine your own prostate while quoting passages from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It’s more or less the same thing.
As to how you can tell if your man is a moustachioed, plaid-shirt-wearing, tote-bag toting vermin at heart? That’s easy:
Look him dead in the eyes and say exactly this:
“I think we should see other people.”
If he a) cries or b) compares thee to a summer’s day, you’ll know you’ve dodged a serious hipster bullet.
On the other hand, if he’s all “meh!” about it, you should immediately and ferociously attempt to get him back by any means necessary. That man’s a keeper.
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways,
ANY QUESTIONS FOR MAX?
Email your burning questions, secret crushes and deepest conundrums to firstname.lastname@example.org.