ASK MAX :: Cougar City
December 18th 2012
I recently had an unexpected dalliance with a woman some fourteen years my senior. Does this make me a total legend who deserves a parade and a commemorative ribbon or a big sad desperado incapable of snaring girls who tick the same census box?
Anon, There are some problems you can handle on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.
Firstly, I would like to emphasise that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. According to the Internet, there are literally tens of people out there who have at one point or another made a cameo in Cougartown. I would strongly encourage you to contact these people directly should you require any specific assistance regarding any emotional pain or itchiness you might be feeling. Get in touch via this online Internet address: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_Cougar_Town
In answer to your question, I’m not totally sure. Without knowing the exact circumstances surrounding your dalliance or how much you know about the story of Oedipus, it’s difficult to tell whether you’re the Chuck Norris or Chuckie Finster of this scenario. BUT I CAN HELP YOU FIND OUT.
What I’d encourage you to do is to always consider sex a competition. This will help you get a more comprehensive idea about where you sit on the legend/loser continuum. For example, if you’re pretty sure you were just the complicit party in one woman’s last-ditch effort to fight off the kind of barren, wintry spinsterhood that will haunt her until she dies cold and alone, award yourself a point. Doesn’t that feel good?
It’s also important to consider the many variables of this competition. These are the factors that tip the scales in favour of your sexual combatant. While this is not a comprehensive list, here are some variables that might detract from your overall point score:
– Have you experienced any emotional pain or itchiness since your encounter?
– Is her given name / has her given name ever been Morpheus?
– Are you sure?
– Did you end the evening with fewer eyebrows than you began it with?
– At any stage during the evening, did you experience the phenomenon that can only be described as a “compassion boner”?
– Are you at all suspicious that you were incepted during your sleep?
– Did she give your bits a nickname? (for example, The Moldy Peaches)
If you answered “yes” to any/all of the above, the bad news is that you probably lost this round. AW, SHUCKS. The good news is that scientifically speaking, your arrow is probably still pointing up. Please direct your attention to the graph (below), released by the Australian Bureau of Bullshit Statistics last year.
According to the A.B.B.S. – who know a lot more about this stuff than you do – this means that there’s a fair chance that YOU MIGHT HAVE SEX AGAIN ONE DAY. Note that the graph also makes provisions for physical unattractiveness, so you’re covered even if you’re a bit ugs.
So crack a smile, dust off The Moldy Peaches, and learn the dance routine from (500) Days of Summer just in case. Know that however this plays out, you’re still in with a decent-ish chance of disappointing some lucky lady with your brisk, clumsy style of lovemaking in the future. JUST MAKE SURE YOU WIN NEXT TIME.
ANY QUESTIONS FOR MAX? Email your burning questions, secret crushes and deepest conundrums to email@example.com.
*All advice is general advice only – in fact, we usually suggest you do the opposite of anything Max advises you to do. We love you! (Even if noone else does.)