Preview :: Bondi Feast

July 15th 2013

FBi Radio

BondiFeast_2

Dear Tamarama Rock Surfers,

It’s the middle of winter and it’s stupidly cold outside. I can see my own breath inside my house.

What makes you think we would want to spend the next fortnight at the beach, of all places?

Come on guys. Use some logic.

A mug of mulled wine or hot cider isn’t enough to tempt me to this Bondi Feast thing you’re putting on. I don’t care how many arty food trucks or local vendors are getting in on your bizarre affair. Haloumi burgers? Paella? Chilli con carne? Pfft. I’ve stocked up on baked beans and I can even eat them in bed, suckers.

And yeah, I like a good story – but I have, like, every episode of Game of Thrones and I’d rather watch them repeatedly on my own than sit in a packed theatre at Bondi beach and listen to live storytelling by Penguin Plays Rough. Even if their stories are edible. And so is the soundtrack.

You try and lure unsuspecting punters with your promises of free local music, but I’m not fooled. I own the epitome of free local music. Who are Donny Benet and Adults when compared to my voice, echoing through the sweet bathroom acoustics of my third hot shower?

And good one guys, giving a leg up to local theatre acts and comedians, like that Nick Coyle guy that makes me wee my pants every Saturday morning on Versus on FBi. I could just listen to his show on demand repeatedly and not leave the house. Surely he can’t have anything more funny left to say.

Admittedly, I am amused by the idea of seeing a group of time-warped lycra-clad morons doing the Jane Fonda with 80’s Physique Aerobics on Saturday, but I’m laughing at you here, not with you. Sorry to break it to you, but exercise is for losers and nothing good came out of the 80’s.

No wonder tickets to Bondi Feast are about as cheap as a home-brand hot water bottle.

Seriously guys, get a grip.

Sincerely,

No one. Ever.

sweat