With the new Transformers movie Transformers: Dark of the Moon coming out this month it might be time to look back on maybe the craziest blockbuster movie ever released: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. One of the hardest things I have had to do for FBi was try and write a plot summary of this movie that could fit into a two minute review. Now that I have more space, I am going to try again. I am not going to watch it again though. It goes for like 5 hours, and the experience of sitting through it was almost unspeakably awful. I’ll just piece it together from my original review, repressed memories, and the Internet.*
 

So the movie opens with the warring space robots from part one fighting with cave men thousands of years ago. Except these were ancient times so they fight with robot spears. Then we cut to modern day Shanghai where the Autobot hero’s brutally murder a giant wheel and a sports car who were just minding their own business. Not sure what the deal was with the giant wheel. But none of that shit is important anyway because Shia LaBeouf is going to uni. While he is packing he takes out the shirt that he wore in part one (but apparently never washed), and a tiny part of the magical space cube we all remember so fondly is still attached. This then turns all of his kitchen appliances into evil robots. Luckily his car/robot pet is onto this, and he blows up his whole house to save the day. Unsurprisingly his horrible mother is confused and pissed off. Later she will accidentally get stoned and stumble around a robot war zone.

Oh and he is in love with his girlfriend Megan Fox (that lady that was on all the magazine covers until the whole world decided at the same time that they hated her) but he is scared of commitment (men!) so won’t tell her that he loves her. Also she is a mechanic which means she is very sweaty and shiny and moves in slow motion. When he gets to uni he is aggressively seduced by an evil space robot disguised as some girl who used to be in Home and Away. He also starts seeing symbols and acting crazy. It might be something to do with his grandfather’s magical Antarctic glasses (or was that in part 1?).

Then there is a huge car chase.

I think now they meet John Turturro, who you might remember as the critically acclaimed actor and Coen Brothers favourite, or maybe as that government agent who got pissed on by Optimus Prime in part one. This time he’s working in a deli.

Now for the bad guys evil scheme… Megatron (Hugo Weaving!) has been resurrected somehow and gone back to space where he is busy living in a space cave and kissing the arse of ’The Fallen’, a huge evil space robot who spends a lot of time squirting out baby space robots (so many questions…), and moaning about Optimus Prime. The Fallen really hates Optimus, but I never did figure out why. If you are going to call your movie ‘Revenge of the Fallen’ then for god’s sake you better make clear what the hell The Fallen wants revenge for.

So Megatron goes back to earth to kill Optimus so The Fallen can come and extract the symbols from Shia’s brain which will enable him to find “The Matrix Of Leadership”. This is a device that is hidden inside an Eg