The special effects are occasionally spectacular but they mean nothing. I hated this…

My first thought about reviewing Transformers 4 was that it might be funny to begin with a run down of what happened in the previous three movies as a way of pointing out how silly and dumb they are.

Problem was that I realised I have not a single clue what happened in those movies. I have seen them, I have reviewed them, and I can’t begin to remember what any of them were about or picture a single character beyond Optimus Prime; the transforming robot space alien/semi trailer that is our iconic hero. And I bet you can’t either!!

The only thing that came to me was the robot with huge balls in part 2, and the bit when Shia Labeouf went to space robot heaven, and it was full of wise robots with beards.

It says something that you can get to part four of a hugely successful series and not manage to establish a character or tell a story that is even vaguely memorable. How many other movie series could claim that?

Part four sees real life dickhead Kelsey Grammer playing a fictional dickhead who has teamed up with a mysterious space robot to kill all the Transformers for, you know, all the horrible death and disaster they have caused. Also, Mark Wahlberg found Optimus Prime hiding in an old movie theatre so now he is in trouble, and Stanley Tucci has mastered Transformium, which is what transformers are made of, and he is trying to build his own.

The movie forgets about all the other Transformers and just brings in new ones who I guess sat out the last few movies. They include a fat transformer, and a ridiculous Japanese samurai transformer. The movie attempts to establish that the mysterious robot is actually on a mission from god so, you know, this is some deep and meaningful shit.

The experience of watching this in IMAX was a bit like what I imaging having a stroke feels like. Slowly feeling your brain function slipping away from you.

It’s a truly rancid film. The script doesn’t even bother to be consistent from scene to scene, and the story is so dumb you can just feel the profound disinterest from everyone behind the camera in telling it. I almost can’t believe someone put their name to this script, and someone else read it and decided to write a 200 million dollar cheque to make the movie. A movie which is two and a half hours long by the way, and full of endless exposition about transformium and the creator and all sorts of garbage. Plus you can add to that scene after scene of pointless catatonic character work mostly revolving around how threatened Mark Wahlberg is by his daughters sexuality. And look, the special effects are occasionally spectacular but they mean nothing. I hated this.

Transformers 4 is the worst movie I have seen for years, and I watched Transendence so I know what I am talking about.

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