Dear Max,

There’s this guy I know, who I’m ostensibly friends with, and he’s doing much better than me. I’m really jealous of him, and every day I hate his stupid face a little more. My question is; how can I convince people I’m suddenly doing better than him without actually having to apply myself?

Sincerely,

Mitch

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Mitch,

There are some problems you can handle on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.

Friend jealousy, or frealousy, as it’s known in the industry, is a common problem among men of your age and (presumably) penis girth. Did you know that frealousy accounts for almost 70% of all noogies, wet willies, and fartknuckles (if you don’t know what this is then an exciting discovery awaits you) administered by white males between the ages of 18 and 40 according to a recent survey? You do now.

Lucky for you, it’s a relatively easy problem to fix, and I’m here to guide you through it step-by-step.

Step #1: Buy A Hat

Many people don’t realise that hats are heaps cool and under Australian law can be worn freely by all men, women and children even if they don’t have a terminal illness. Wearing a hat is an easy way to draw attention to your facial features without having to spend time and money on unnecessary things like soap and moisturiser. If you’re not keen on people looking directly at your ugly face, you could also look at investing in a slogan hat – because, as we all know, nothing says ‘success story’ quite like a catch phrase from a popular film embroidered onto fabric. Vote for Pedro!

Step #2: Credit Card Swindle

White-collar crime is a popular and fun way to get even with your friends with NO REPERCUSSIONS. To pull this off, all you need to know is some basic information about your frealous (friend of whom you’re jealous, KEEP UP!) – birthday, home address etc – and also their banking institution of choice. From there, you just need to commit a teency weency bit of fraud and viola! Credit cards are cancelled, new ones are being sent to your home address, and you are now free to shop online FOR THINGS THEY DON’T EVEN NEED. LIKE SOAP AND MOISTURISER.

Step #3: Regina George That Mofo

Have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls? Maybe you know it by its original title, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle 2 – Noogie Beach. Anyway, Mean Girls is a film all about what happens when some ugly-duckling upstart hits you with a bus. It stars this girl called Regina George, playing herself, as the hero and main character, and also Lindsay Lohan playing the ugly duckling with a cocaine problem who hits Regina George with a bus full of Chlamydia. I think. Recent data suggests that cocaine use among ducklings has risen steadily since the film’s release but flagrant Chlamydia bus attacks have fallen so I guess you take the good with the bad. Be warned that bus driving is one profession that strictly forbids you from wearing a hat – so if you’re going to Regina George your frealous, you won’t be able to look sick as doing so.

Hope that helps! If you would like to send me pictures of you trying on different hats I can help you choose which one is best. Get in touch via the below e-mail address and please include your name, home address, banking institution of choice and a self-addressed envelope so we can send your work back to you.

Until next time,

Max.

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*All advice is general advice only – any teary outbursts, broken relationships and/or personal injuries are in no way the responsibility of Max or FBi Radio. Your anonymity is safe, but we can’t guarantee much else… Good luck.