Dear Max,

I am a university student currently completing my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. The first four years of my degree went off without a hitch, but in year five, I am encountering problems.

Most of my problems stem from a deep-seated hatred of my new tutor. He’s just started lecturing at my uni, and to be brutally honest, he’s the worst. He won’t respond to my e-mails, we regularly disagree on EVERYTHING, and my grades are slipping because of it.

I don’t want to fail my course, but my tutor is making it hard for me to stick with it. What can I do?

 – Mel

 ___________________

Dear Mel,

In this life, there are some problems you can solve on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.

Let’s start with the basics…

It appears to me that you have unknowingly entered into a De Facto Relationship with your tutor.

What’s a De Facto Relationship? I’m not surprised you asked. According to Google Translate, De Facto is a slang term that literally means “un facto” or (connecting the dots), “not factual.” It was invented early in this decade by current Queensland premier Campbell Newman as a way to distinguish ‘real’ Christian heterosexual marriages from the relationships of other people who are merely deeply in love and have been living together in functional relationships for a long period of time LIKE TOTAL WEIRDOS.

If intentional, it’s a pretty sneaky move on your tutor’s behalf that may result in you losing half of your assets, sense of direction, and virginity if and when the relationship comes to an end.

Sure – I know you never technically agreed to be in a relationship with this man – but if you think about it, all of the classic symptoms are there: emotional investment, arguing, issues with communication, inability to think critically, probably sexual tension, and most tellingly, the presence of an internet-certified relationship councillor/pyramid-scheme insurance salesman (that’s me!).

DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND, MEL?

YOU’VE GOT A BOYFRIEND NOW AND IT’S TOTALLY COOL IF YOU JUST WANT TO YELL AND GET MAD FOREVER BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT LOVE IS.

Seriously – not only did this garden-variety dickhole enter you into a heaps serious grown-up relationship through a Parent Trap level of tomfoolery, he didn’t even have the courtesy to call you and discuss it in painstaking, unnecessary detail first. Rude.

If you decide you want out, there’s a long and obnoxious road ahead. As all of your assets are on the line, it’s going to be up to you to secretly sabotage your own De Facto relationship without your secret De Facto even knowing that you even secretly know about your secret De Facto relationship.

The best way to do this, of course, is to catch him off guard by choosing a public setting and professing your deep and undying love. Your university class is a great choice, but you should consider some fallback options as well: swim aerobics classes, public toilets inside large shopping centres, and question time at Government House should all be considered. Personally, I’d also go in search of one of these bad boys to ensure maximum chaos:

With any luck, he’ll be totally overwhelmed and confused, and you’ll be able to wildly overreact when the iron is hot. Because he called off the relationship, you get to keep your stuff AND half of his. This will become especially valuable if he has all of Acropolis Now on DVD. Grab seasons 1-3 because Nick Gianopolous rulz.

If he accepts your profession of love, take solace in the fact that you could do much worse. After all, he is University educated.

Happy love!

Max.

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