I went to an advanced screening of the first Twilight Movie, ‘The Twilight Saga: Twilight, then made fun of it on the radio because it looked like a piece of direct-to-DVD Mormon chastity propaganda. I figured it would disappear due to the fact that it was a shit movie, but as it turned out The Twilight Saga was a big deal, to some at least. I skipped the second and third instalments in the cinema, and snoozed through them later on DVD. But then, over a particularly wet Christmas in a particularly dull country town, I found myself in a crummy old Birch Carroll and Coyle theatre watching the latest chapter in the series ‘Breaking Dawn: Part One’. I could do a proper review but its way more interesting to discuss what actually happens, because this is one crazy fucking movie. If you haven’t read the book, want to see the movie, and haven’t yet A) what the fuck? and B) you should probably stop reading this now, because I am about to ruin the whole thing.

Here we go.

Edward and Bella are getting married, except she has got the jitters and having dreams about the wedding where Edward is drooling blood all over an alter of busted corpses (their wedding guests)… the usual stuff. The big day turns out to be a joyous occasion, even if Kristen Stewart looks like she is suffering from severe indigestion while walking down the isle. Stewart seems to have decided throughout the Saga that the defining characteristic of Bella is stomach cramps, and plays her as if each line has to be delivered while negotiating a quivering bowel.

Edward is going to turn Bella into a vampire, but not right now because she doesn’t want it to ruin her honeymoon (bridezilla!). This means that the wedding night, which really this whole thing has been building up to, is all kinds of dangerous. Bella is totally up for it, but Edward isn’t so sure. He thinks maybe it’s a bad idea. Bella wears him down though, and just as he is finding his rhythm, the camera fades out. We rejoin our heroes the next morning, with the state of their room suggesting they engaged in some seriously wild screwing. The bed is busted, Bella is covered in bruises, pillows have been torn apart and there’s furniture is everywhere. Bella must have cut loose her inner Sharon Stone, because frankly I don’t think Sparkles has this kind of destruction in him, even for a vampire.

We then come to one of the films more disgraceful scenes as Edward, wracked with guilt over his behaviour the night before sees Bella covered in bruises. He apologises, and says he won’t ever do it again. Bella says he shouldn’t worry about it; it’s not his fault that he couldn’t control himself. And by the way can they do it again? I know they are talking about the collateral damage of wild vampire sex, and not domestic violence, but I couldn’t help make the connection and gag a bit. In any other year this would be the most sexist scene in a movie that made over half a billion dollars, but it just so happens that 2011 was also the year that Michael Bay stuck a 3D camera up a Victoria’s Secret Model’s skirt and followed her up the stairs in ‘Transformers 3’, so no dice ‘Breaking Dawn Part One’.

This wouldn’t be a ‘Twilight’ movie if it didn’t have some bizarre messages to teach young girls about sex. Here’s what I learnt: not only is it painful, dangerous and destructive, but you will also certainly get pregnant, especially if you are a virgin, married and your husband is a 400 year old animated corpse. So Bella is up the duff with what everyone assumes is some kind of Abomination. The wolves are so worried that they want to break their pact and murder B