Preview: 34B’s World Burlesque Olympics

August 9th 2012

Let’s get something out in the open here. No-one, and I mean no-one, has been watching the Olympics because they are 100% purely interested in monitoring the level of sporting prowess around the globe. Someone definitely told you how much musclier the track and field athletes are this year, didn’t they? Someone posted about the Croatian babes-I-mean-basketball team on your facebook, didn’t they?

We all know there’s some Olympians you certainly wouldn’t kick out of bed – and not only because they’d kick you back much harder. There are probably some that you wouldn’t mind performing, er… some other kind of routine. The charming folk over at 34B Burlesque know this, and they have put together a show befitting this month’s particularly sporting climate: The World Burlesque Olympics.

The WB Olympics sees elite performers pick their favourite country and present a specially created routine “embodying the burlesque flavour and spark of their chosen nation of passion”.

We had a little chat to one of the 34B team about how the preparation has been going for the Games. In return we got a shocker of an 80s soundtrack and an inspired idea for this Friday night. We proudly present …


Francois Bublé’s Locker Room Gold: 

5 Greatest Tracks to sing half naked in the locker room after the big competition:


1)   We are the Champions – Queen – Freddy Mercury was a gay, bucked toothed, Operatic singer from Tanzania. He was also a Heavy Metal icon. Through this particularly glorious number he also became a world sporting icon and penned what has become the ultimate post-sporting/post-coital anthem. What an amazing man.

2)   Gold – Spandau Ballet – ‘You are GOLD… Always believe in your sooooul. You’ve got the power to know you’re indestructibaaaaaale’ How a gang of androgynous floppy fringed new Romantics straight out of the bathrooms of the underground Blitz club in South London became associated with international sporting competition I cannot say.  But the glorious campness of it hits the right note for all types of sport achievement. Not to be confused with Gold by Guy Sebastian which no one would sing.

3)   Chariots of Fire – Vangelis – No lyrics but the lilting piano line is easily belted out, even somewhat out of tune, in the high-spirited strain of post-race Olympic glory. The ‘chicka chicka chick ‘sound underneath the piano line (You know, the sound that is a bit like that of a Transformer transforming in the cartoon series) would also be perfect to make while determinedly removing skimpy items of athletic apparel… we imagine.

4)   The Best  – Tina Turner – So yes – a lot of Locker Room hits really are somewhat retro and this is another camp 1980s hit beloved by footballers and sexy javelin–throwers alike (see Paraguay’s Lyren Franco for a fine example of the latter!). Especially good for team sports from water polo to relay races to take the edge off the otherwise Narcissistic overtone of singing to your naked self in the change room Mirror ‘You’re simple the best – Better than all the rest’.  Though you actually probably know you really are … The Best that is. And Hot … again, we imagine.

5)   Hot in Herre – Nelly – The perfect track for hard bodied sweaty young athletes to remove clothing and hit the showers. ‘It’s getting Hot in Herre … so take off all your clothes’ – I don’t know if they really do sing this after a race – but lets just fantasise that it’s Sally Pearson’s favourite Pop Hip Hop number.

** And we just can’t help adding a sneaky one on the end here: from our own champion of charm, a true superhero of suave… none other than Donny Benet, of course. He recently released this video for an, er, inspirational track, called ‘Reaching For The Top’. Get some Olympic spirit into your bones…


WHAT: 34B’s World Burlesque Olympics

WHERE: The Exchange Hotel, 44 Oxford St

WHEN: Friday 10 August, 8:30pm



Read more from FBi Radio