Most animated movies take place in our world with one key difference. Usually it’s that animals can talk and have adventures and stuff. Maybe monsters are real, or people have superpowers. Maybe that Mike Myers is funny, or that a fat idiot panda could also be an arse kicking Kung Fu warrior. I am not the first person to notice this, but Cars is different. Cars is fucked up.

In these movies there are no people, just talking cars. Everything else is the same. There are roads and houses and a whole car civilisation. Just what they hell is going on here? The cars all have seats and steering wheels. For who?

I think there must have been some sort of auto uprising. A human-car war that probably went on for centuries, and that clearly we lost. I bet Finn McMissle, Lightening McQueen, and the idiot Tow Truck Mater have killed thousand of humans. Ran them down mercilessly. Burned them. Murdered their creators. Fucking arseholes. This is what happens when you put TV screens, rear parking sensors and that horrible GPS woman in your car. Eventually they will become self aware, rise up and destroy us. Just like in Terminator. Except with Cars.

In Cars 2, it emerges that cars have car parents. They have evolved reproductive systems and are having car sex. Probably involving exhaust pipes and lubricant. Disgusting. How do they give birth? Can you only give birth to your own model? Or could a Land Cruiser screw a Garbage Truck and make a Porsche? Was Mater born a tow truck? That would suck for him… What if he wanted to be a taxi? Tough shit. Look at you, you’re a tow truck. No wonder he is such an idiot. What chance did he have?

In Cars 2, Mater goes to Japan and eats some wasabi thinking that it is mint ice cream. He loses his mind and it’s all a big joke, but why is there wasabi? Cars don’t eat. They certainly don’t eat sushi with soy sauce and wasabi. There are no fish. Maybe just car fish. Like the car bugs in part 1. I don’t think they eat other cars. Doesn‘t matter if they are fish cars or not. They don’t need to. They just run on oil. I guess they mine oil. But what came first, the oil or the car? Why do they have wasabi!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!

Look I don’t think these car movies are bad movies. They are not up to your usual Pixar standard maybe, but they are ok. Just know that they are not kids movies. They are visions of a fucked up post apocalyptic nightmare. I don’t think they should be allowed at drive-ins. I bet that’s how all of this gets started…