Dear Max,

Recently I have been experiencing a lot of rejection in many facets of my life. I think I’m a good person with a lot to offer, but at the moment I’m feeling pretty unwanted. How can I combat these feelings and deal with rejection effectively?

Anon.

 ———————————-

Anon,

There are some problems you can handle on your own. This is not one of those problems. You did the right thing coming to me.

First of all, let’s face it. You are NOT a good person and it’s highly likely you have very little to offer anyone, ever. How do I know? Good people with a lot to offer don’t get rejected. Simple. When was the last time the most qualified job applicant was passed over in favour of someone with less experience and worse credentials? NEVER. So, in addition to adding ‘delusional sense of grandeur’ to your long list of life problems, you’re also going to want to get used to the idea that you’re up shit creek for a reason and that reason is that you are not good enough.

Get over it. You can go on believing that there are princesses out there – metaphorical or otherwise – who full-on hook up with toads on the reg if you want to, but you can also save yourself a lot of time and trouble if you concede to the fact that you are indeed a toad and toad sex – metaphorical or otherwise – is much less of a fetish than you think it is. BUT HEY MAN, IT’S COOL IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BANG TOADS. There are other avenues we can pursue.

The first thing you’re going to want to do is to practise looking sad. Your objective here is to make your rejecter feel as bad as you look. What you’re searching for is a look that asks: “aren’t I good enough?” as well as saying: “you made me feel wanted.” Practise on strangers first, because it’s critically important that you don’t end up with a look that says, “I’M HURT AND VERY CONFUSED AND ALSO I WOULD STILL TOTALLY BE THERE IN A HEARTBEAT IF YOU WANTED ME,” even if that is how you feel. So stare down a stranger: once you’ve watched their soul melt like microwave cheese, you can take it to the big leagues.

You should also think seriously about binging. Feeling sad? Good – there’s honestly no better time than RIGHT NOW to go out, get absolutely shitfaced and reveal to everyone in your office who you got for Secret Santa. First you’ll need to gather supplies, which means it’s time to go shopping. Here’s what your list should look like:

– Milk

– Eggs (for protein)

– Case of cleanskins

– Party Hat

I’ll leave the recipe up to you, but I will remind you to do the responsible thing and put your party hat on before you leave the house because otherwise you might mess up your hair and wouldn’t that just be a big fat stick in the mud. You might even end up meeting somebody! Statistically speaking, 87% of all people you meet when you’re drunk have a criminal record – SO I’VE GOT YOU COVERED. All you need to do is stare deep into his/her one working eye, and repeat after me:

“YOU CAN MANSLAUGHTER ME ANY DAY. MIAOW.”

Feel free to improvise whatever animal noise you want at the end there, so if you’ve got a killer bottlenose dolphin up your sleeve, let her rip.

And there you have it! I can tell you’re feeling better already. What did I tell you about making mountains out of molehills? NOTHING. STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH.

Feel better,

Max.

ANY QUESTIONS FOR MAX? Email your burning questions, secret crushes and deepest conundrums to askmax@fbiradio.com.

*All advice is general advice only – in fact, we suggest you do the exact opposite of anything Max advises you to do. We love you! (Even if noone else does.)

Read previous editions of Ask Max